You, whose life is coaxed from lies,
Shifting shadows in the dark
What do you see without your eyes?
A limbless beast, a wingless lark
You, with candle Hope ‘pon your palms
You see your sure, still stepping stones
You do not feel those icy qualms
Do not question half-heard moans
But listen, you, to these strange words
For light casts shadows of the dark
To fly, wings need not their birds
Without the beasts, limbs can mark
So shield not a tree from the rain, but let the tree shield you
And when you die, oh, die for the world too.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
That was really good!
The rhyming didn't seem forced and it flowed very well, and also, the imagery was excellent. I agree with Jasmine Hart that your first stanza was the best.
The first line was a bit more wordy than the rest of the poem, but that's not what bugged me. It's that in comparison to the wordiness of the first line the second sounds a bit stiff/awkward.
That line sounds imperative, like the speaker is ordering someone not to question half-heard moans. I know what you're saying in this line, but I think to fit the flow of the rest of the poem, you should say:
You do not question half-heard moans.
The second line sounds stiff compared to the first one. I would suggest changing it to:
Without their beasts, still limbs can mark
OR:
Without their beasts, limbs can still mark.
But overall, this was excellent. It was really well-done and I look forwards to reading more of your work!
Cheers,
-Ayra
Your imagery was very good, and your rhyming was handled well. I'd add full stops to the end of your stanzas.I think that your rhythm was a little off. Maybe try reading this aloud so you can get a better sense of its sound. I'd foraske of adoptingteh attempts at anarchaic sound ('pon, "die, oh die". etc) as it the mix of tones doesn't work, and I think your best stanza was the first, which sounded very natural. I think I'd try this again in the iambic pentameter, just for teh sake of experimentation. Good luck, and I hope this helps. Feel free to check out my sonnet contest! Just click the link below!
Jas